When's the next Robbie Coltrain out of here? OR Some days you get the bear. OR Hell hath no fury like a Coffeemaster scorned.



Scene 10


[Tuesday 0819 hrs. Donald Garret, android emissary of Monolith, shuffles awkwardly into the building. The camera follows him through the building. Every time he passes a CoffeemasterPlus! At a break station, we see the machines display blink blue. After he passes one for the third time, he turns. We here a series of high-speed electronic beeps. Donald Garrett turns and stares at the machine, he walks towards it. It's display reads: Now dispensing yogurt! He reaches out and presses the button. Blue electricity surrounds his hand, and he is frozen in place. Close up of the display. Binary code flies across the display at and unreadable pace. It stops. Donald Garrett turns, and continues walking down the aisle. Smiley faces blink on the read out of the coffee machine]

[Cut to Dave, in his cubicle. His goatee is fully-grown. He is now dressed in blue jeans, a white silk shirt, and a black leather jacket. His prescription Raybans reflect the display from his monitor. He taps on the earpiece of his headset in annoyance]

Dave: Hello?
MonolithGuru: Hello, this is the Monolith BasicallyGUI! Guru line, my name is Leon, how can I help you today Dave?
[Dave shakes his head in frustration.]

Dave: uh, hi Leon…. Is anyone else on today…someone that knows anything about the product maybe?
Leon: Um…no Dave, but I have some experience with it, why don't you tell me the problem?
Dave: Take a look at this case number, 22234543-9
[Dave walks a cigarette backward through his fingers while he waits.]

Leon: Hmmm, I see…have you tried running scandisk?
Dave: I've gone through the 27 possible steps to resolve this guy's issue Leon, in addition to having him upload his program to me…there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with it, but it's not working.
Leon: Well, you know how these guys are Dave, they don't have a good idea of the limits of the product…are you sure he's actually using a computer, and not a typewriter, or an Etch-a-Sketch or something?
Dave: What?
Leon: Well you know how these customer's can be, it seems like a tricky technical problem, and then it turns out to be something silly, like they're trying to reprogram their Pony Funstation…
Dave: Leon. How long have you been supporting this product?
Leon: Since version 0.2
Dave: Well then, that should mean what your saying makes sense.
Leon: Why thank you Dave, another thing to ask him with these tricky technical problems, is if he lives near an airforce base that houses A-WAX surveillance planes, or maybe near a Radio Telescope array, they can really glitch up a computer's hardware…really bad if they happen to be using BasicallyGUI!.
Dave: Okay…. Should I see if he's maybe using a …oh, I don't know, a microwave near his computer?
Leon: Hell yeah, that critter doesn't even need to be plugged in to cause a programming problem, really makes an Etch-a-Sketch go haywire too! He doesn't live near Fort Huachuca does he?
Dave: The Military Intelligence training facility? No. Why?
Leon: Well, a buddy of mine from high school works there, as a janitor, he uses this floor buffer that creates a magnetic field strong enough to pull the birds right off of a colonel's collar
Dave: OK Leon…thanks, all of your advice should make it easy for me to solve this guy's problem!
Leon: You have a good day now Dave, hope y'all have a good time this weekend!
[Dave presses his release button, kicks his computer which sits on the floor, and heads for the outside door. Cut to outside. Vivienne is having a cigarette]

Dave: Hey Viv.
Viv: Hey Dave...what's wrong with you?
Dave: I had to call the guru line at Monolith.
Viv: That doesn't sound like much fun.
Dave: No it isn't, I guess the whole thing is starting to get to me a little.
Viv: I can understand that, apparently I have a meeting with Mr. Shinything shortly to discuss call arrivals.
Dave: I see you already have your sunglasses.
Viv: I don't leave home without them- hey, you want to go for a walk, I have no desire to go back inside.
Dave: Sure.
[Cut to Bruce's cube. He is reading a large hardcover book intently when he hears his computer ping at the sound of new mail. He reaches over and hits the enter key on his computer. The message pops up.]

Bruce- I apologize for my behavior. Donald Garret is the reason why the HotChoc9000 was removed. I have dealt with him appropriately. He will no longer be a problem for you.
Sal- CoffeemasterPlus!

Bruce: I'll be damned.
[Bruce types back a reply simply reading. What did you do? The computer pings again with the response]

Let's make it a surprise.

Bruce: Oh great, just what we need. I wonder…if Sal apologized…that might actually mean Viv would admit she was wrong…nah.
[Bruce returns to reading his book, occasionally looking out the window and wondering what Sal, the Coffee machine, could have possibly done to Donald Garret. Cut to Donald Garret, he stands in the middle of a public square in the middle of the city. "Down with Monolith is scrawled on his chest in magic marker. He is waving a large sign that reads Monolith with a circle and line through it. ]

Donald: File 001, operations plans for illegal political influence, File 002, operations funding through price gouging in OS market, File 003-
[A man in a beige trench-coat and sunglasses walks past Donald, stops, turns, draws a gun, and fires six shots in succession into Donald's chest. He places the gun back into his jacket, and walks away into the crowd. No blood mixes with the rain that splatters the concrete. A white ooze resembling yogurt creeps out of Donald's ear and forms a puddle]

[Cut to the office of Magnus Reece. Mr. Chapstick puts a phone back onto its receiver.]

Chapstick: The android has been taken care of sir, do you want us to find out who reprogrammed him?
Magnus: Chapstick, I think you need to continue to write these meaningless memos I have you send, and STOP thinking. It is obvious that the Reality Underground has somehow penetrated the Remora Group site…damn Ken&Terrie…they should have accepted my offer, and allowed me to purchase their business…recall the three technicians that were dispatched to the site with the Android…I want to interview them personally. Now Chapstick, GO…I have far more important things to deal with than these petty events in technical support at the moment.
[Chapstick bows and leaves the office. Magnus sits down at his twenty-foot long desk. Out from under a large pile of paperwork, he pulls a copy of The Incredible Hulk, and begins to read the comic book]

[Cut to Vivienne and Dave walking through the woods]

Dave: So what's Bruce's story?
Viv: How do you mean, Dave?
Dave: Well he seems kind of obsessive about all of this…it goes beyond revenge I think, it goes beyond his friends being killed.
Viv: Well…he has a complex history, what I know of it anyway, we've both read each others files at one point or another, but that doesn't really account for what a person is really like. He doesn't have anything else Dave, this is his life, he'll work for Ken and Terrie until he's too old to be fired, even after. I hope to God that they don't betray him at some point though.
Dave: Why do you say that?
Viv: He'll kill them if they do to him what some of his former superiors did. He doesn't do well with being lied to, by people he trusts anyway.
Dave: You still haven't answered the question Vivienne, why is he so obsessive? He only goes out with Greg and me, and that apartment is enormous but he's never had anyone over?
Viv: He will, soon I think…this is a question you need to ask him. He may not tell you…it will make sense when he tells you, if he tells you.
Dave: Then what about you? Why do you do this? What's your story?
Viv: Me? Heh, I graduated on a scholarship from Cambridge…joined the Government service…counterintelligence…I liked the work, I liked the people. Everything else I had ever done bored me. Ended up with the underground after Bruce recruited me. That's it. I go to see my family every so often.
Dave: What do they do.
Viv: Promise you won't laugh?
Dave: Why would I laugh? You'd shoot me.
Viv: They were circus performers… my mother was an acrobat, she also worked the trapeze, my father was a magician, and a sharpshooter.
Dave: I see, so you were used to moving around?
Viv: It's not like that really, imagine your whole town moving with you…
Dave: ever think of settling down?
Viv: Sometimes.
[She smiles]

Viv: Let's get back okay?
[Cut to Bruce's cube. He opens a cardboard box and puts a Duncan Yo-yo next to the Evil Bunny. The frost begins to melt off of his monitor. Vivienne and Dave show up at his cube]

Dave: it's warm again!
Bruce: Ethereal insulation.
Dave: In a yo-yo?
Bruce: We've been talking to the dead through a Pez dispenser does it matter?
Dave: Guess not.
Bruce: I have good news.
[Bruce stands there and smiles closed mouthed]

Viv: Okay Bruce, what is it?
Bruce: Donald Garrett is non-functional…thanks to Ms Coffee.
Viv: what happened?
Bruce: I don't know how 'she' did it, but he was just shot dead in a park in town after yelling out file names and wearing nothing but anti-monolith slogans.
Viv: Oh my. One down then
Bruce: Mr. Shinything has been running around all morning telling people he "had an accident".
Dave: Yeah, Monolith androids throw themselves in front of bullets everyday.
Bruce: He'll be around, so have some fun. I'm taking tomorrow off, I have an errand to run, here's my cell phone number if you need me. An extra key to my apartment if you want it. Nice view of the skyline on a clear night, kind of romantic…I'll see you guys tomorrow morning before the meeting. Viv, get the password as soon as you can.
Viv: Okay…where are you going?
Bruce: Don't worry about it. I'll be back in plenty of time.
[Bruce puts on his leather jacket and grabs his sunglasses, Greg rounds the corner as he puts them on]

Greg: Anyone ever stop to think we look like a bunch of extra's from a cyberpunk movie with all the leather and sunglasses.
[They all frown in his direction]

Greg: Sorry, anyway, Vivienne…..you really need to go to your office…there's a small problem.
Viv: What is it?
Greg: Um, you have to see it, Mr. Shinything is over there too…I'd, uh…. Go alone if you know what I mean.
Viv: Good enough.
Bruce: I just have to go see Steve and I'm out of here.
[The four of them walk down the aisle. Cut to Steve's office]

Bruce: I need tomorrow off Steve.
Steve: I can't give it to you, you're the only one that takes phone calls.
Bruce: I took care of it, there will be someone to cover for me.
Steve: Who?
Bruce: You don't want to know.
Steve: Yes I do.
Bruce: I'm not going to tell you.
Steve: I'm not going to give you the time off.
Bruce: Let me recite a list of terms for you, Dept. of Labor, State Attorney Generals Office, OSHA, ACLU, and MetroEditorial's.
Steve: You wouldn't.
Bruce: Try me. Listen, just give me the day off okay? Be a good little manager. I won't say anything. It's not like anyone's going to lose their jobs over this right?
Steve: So, did you find out anything from the guys at Monolith, they all seemed to have a pretty good time the other night. They were even happier just before they left.
Bruce: Donald Garrett was shot this morning.
Steve: Really??
Bruce: Really. No, no real news, everything is going fine, they like our work, they like us, we'll have our jobs forever.
[Bruce notices a piece of paper slide slowly out of the laser printer he's standing next to. He picks it up, and without looking at the printed side, hands it to Steve.]

Steve: Thanks.
Bruce: If you want, I'll proof read it for you…your resume I mean.
[Steve locks eyes with Bruce quickly, and then laughs]

Steve: Oh, this? No…just another report. Hey have you seen Dave McBeth around? He went outside about an hour ago, and I haven't seen him since.
Bruce: He's taking care of some SLIME business.
Steve: Oh..good, well then, I'll see you Thursday morning.
[Bruce turns around when he reaches the door]

Bruce: Why the morning?
Steve: What do you mean? You know in the morning, when we all come in…right?
Bruce: Sure.
[Bruce walks out of the office. Steve begins to breathe heavily, and drinks more Coca-Cola. Cut to Diane, who runs after Bruce down the hallway]

Diane: Hey, hey Bruce!
[Bruce turns. Diane is wearing a super-mini and a tight blouse]

Bruce: Listen Diane, if it's about those report's, I thought Greg dropped them off to you?
Diane: Oh no, it isn't about that…I was wondering if you'd like to go out tonight?
Bruce: Is there some Quality social or something I missed?
Diane: Um………no…..I meant on a date.
[Bruce edges his sunglasses down, and stares at her over the rims]

Bruce: Uh, not tonight, sorry, how about Friday? Give me a call at this number okay.
[He hands her a card.]

Diane: Okay
[Bruce turns and walks out of the building. He stops and lights up a cigarette. Tom, the overnight technician is standing against wall taking in some sun]

Tom: Hey Bruce…
Bruce: Hey Tom, you're here early, what's going on, the sun is still up.
Tom: They wanted me in early tonight to clear up some of the old cases, send off some files and things. I don't know why. They said something about a review of all the cases to find our best technicians for some awards thing on Thursday.
Bruce: That's weird.
Tom: I stopped asking…by the way, you talk to Steve today?
Bruce: Yeah, why?
Tom: He was asking me if I had been out drinking with you and Greg recently, and how the party for Monolith and Ross was the other night. I reminded him I don't get to go to any of that stuff because of my hours.
Bruce: Hmm, probably nothing, he's just nosy I guess.
Tom: Yeah, well enough of my virtual smoke, I have to go get to work.
[Tom walks back into the building. Bruce takes a long drag and begins to walk to his car. He gets in and starts the engine. He looks down at the Remora Building from the top of the parking lot.]

Bruce: A habit of underestimating stupid people…. Underestimating the WRONG one.
[Cut to Vivienne's office. There is a six-foot tall stuffed teddy bear blocking the door]

Viv: Well the card says 'From the guys', so I know you must have put them up to this didn't you Dirk? That's so sweet.
Mr.Shinything: Well…mmm, yes! We like to make all of the consultants sent here by UpperLevel Management feel welcome…as a matter of fact, how would you like to go out to dinner this evening, we can discuss call volumes, and arrivals, etc?
Viv: Should I dress up?
Mr.Shinything: Of course! I'll take you someplace nice…I know this little Italian place near the waterfront in town.
Viv: excellent, that's right near where I am staying!
[Simon VonMesmer walks behind MrShinything and points to him. Vivienne nods and smiles as though it is directed to Mr. Shinything. Simon disappears down a corridor.]

[Cut to Huey. Dewey, and Looie, walking through the black carpeted halls of Monolith headquarters. The camera follows them down the aisle. Just as they pass each cubicle, someone begins to play Solitaire.]

[Cut to Greg, sitting in the cafeteria, which we now see, is an area of the loading dock, cordoned off with caution tape.]

Greg: I'm telling you guys, they're going to cancel the contract, guaranteed, Thursday morning is when they tell us!
Tech1: They can't do that, they suck at tech support!
Tech2: Yeah, and I don't want to have to find another job, that would suck, it's easy working here.
Tech3: Do they just fire us outright, or what?
Dave: They have to give Remora 2 months to shut everything down. I mean, you'll all find jobs, but its kind of shitty the way they're going to do it isn't it?
Tech1: Yeah! We should do something about it!
Tech2: Vivienne mentioned something about the CallOps server, how erasing it or altering the records on it would be an Internal Dataprocessing disaster…if we did something to it, would she mind.
Dave: I'm sure not…as a matter of fact, she's been trying to get access to it, so she can predict better call volume. But they won't give it to her…. For a month at least it would make her job A LOT easier if she knew what was on it.
Tech3: But who cares, they're firing us!
Tech2: Vivienne would mind! I mean I don't know if that teddybear thing was too much or what…
Dave: Definitely not… I know her from…high school, and she likes that kind of thing.
[Cut to Vivienne, in her office, looking at the back of the teddybear.]

Viv: I suppose the damn thing will be good for target practice.
[Cut back to Dave, Greg, and the tech's]

Tech2: We were wondering, we saw the two of you going for a walk this afternoon.
[Greg turns and gives Dave a look; Greg rubs his knee as though it hurts]

Dave: Uh, yeah, catching up on old times, anyway, Thursday is the day…so get your resumes ready, and could you all do me a favor?
Tech1: What?
Dave: Everyone needs to wear a pair of sunglasses to the meeting….


In Scene 11: Will Vivienne enjoy dinner with Mr. Shiny Thing? What kind of errand does Bruce go on? Will Dave fall into Bruce's bed with Vivienne the night before the meeting? Will Greg fulfill his bizarre fantasy of finding a girl who will dress up like the Morton's salt girl? The geeky computer guy that appears in every spy movie dies…. scratch that.

Turn to your mail client or members.tripod.com/~splattman for the next installment of Monolith vs. T he R eality U nderground, and remember true believers: THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE !!!(www.monster.com)

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