SCENE 3
[Bruce in his cube. His feet are up on his desk, plastic green
antennae attached to his headset. The camera pans the walls of the
cubicle. They are covered with leaflets advertising Shakespearean
plays, menu's from the area restaurants, and instructions from
assorted LEGO kits, and one 4 foot poster of a large canyon covered
with vegetation in which a woman in running. Bruce has a cigarette
behind his ear, and sips tea from a large mug which bears the CIA
insignia]
Bruce: "Once there was a scorpion that needed to cross a pond. He came
upon a frog at the edge of the pond, and the frog became very afraid.
The Scorpion told the frog to be calm, he simply wanted a ride across
the pond on his back. The frog said that half way across the pond the
scorpion would sting him, and he would die. The Scorpion said that
would be foolish, for then they would both die. The Frog considered
this and agreed. Half way across the pond the Scorpion stung the frog,
and as they both began to sink the Frog asked why the Scorpion had
stung him. The Scorpion simply answered that to sting was in his
nature, and that's what he did."
Customer: Is there anyone else there I can talk to?
Bruce: Sir I told you before, you need to restore from backup. Your
Version Vault Database is completely corrupt...gone the way of the
Dodo so to speak, you ARE talking to the only person that could have
helped you."
[Bruce quickly presses a red button attached by several loose wires
to the mute button of his phone. Written underneath the button which
is scotch taped to his desk,in black marker is written TRUTH]
Bruce: "And that Dodo reference was so obvious you should be yelling at
me by now..."
Customer: "Well...okay, can I call you again if I have any problems?"
[Bruce quickly unmutes his customer]
"Certainly, let me give you my direct number."
[Bruce scans a long sheet of numbers entitled Federal Govt at the
top. His finger ends on Poison Control Center.]
Bruce: 212-555-1234, and thank you for calling Monolith, where our goal
is to make sure you never have to call again.
Customer: Huh
Bruce: Have a nice day sir.
[Bruce presses another button over which sits a small plastic circle
marked EJECT. He sips his tea, and looks out the window. On the window
sill we see two large spider plants, a Chia Pet and a coffee can that
seems to contain moss, the camera does a slow close up of the coffee
can. The moss is actually mold, in a variety of rainbow colors.]
[A voice yells from the next cube over]
Greg's voice: Hey Bruce, did you tell him that you're the ONLY guy
that takes Version Vault calls?
Bruce: Nah, that would limit the customers expectations, and everytime
I have to tell someone about it, I think of Tony...
[Bruce tilts his head to the side, Close up of Chia head]
Bruce: You guys ever notice that this Chia head LOOKS like
Tony...thats spooky.
Greg's voice: You want to know what's spooky, finding a guy after he's
choked on a pistachio nut.
Bruce: I guess that was...when did we notice he wasn't around.
Greg's voice: He wasn't in Janet's cube the next morning....
Bruce: Oh that's right he choked after lunch, I thought he was asleep.
he always was after lunch.
Greg's voice: Charlie was here all night. Didn't notice.
Bruce: Why would Charlie go into Tony's cube, there aren't any blankets.
[Bruce holds a completely twisted metal slinky carefully and examines
it]
Greg's voice: It was just weird is all.
Bruce: So is a fetish for cheerleading sneakers.
[Bruce set's the slinky down and looks at his Batman clock]
Greg's voice: Not that weird, as long as there's a cheerleader in them.
Bruce: Like that has ever happened. I'm going to lunch.
[Dave's cube. Wide angle, there are neatly stacked piles of papers,
and all of the book shelves are full of Basically GUI! resource books.
The entire cube is neat. A small open tupperware container of rice
cakes is the only disturbance to this imposed order. Our hero sits,
staring intently at his monitor. On it we see, Leading Tech
Improvement Recommendation Protocols. Dave is clicking small radio
buttons on the form, and scribbling notes on a piece of paper. Close
up of Dave's face. His eyes suddenly widen. Accented screaming can be
heard from a distance. Dave throws off his headphones.]
Accented voice: SIR, SIR, I will not be called COMPLETELY
INCOMPETENT!!!!!!I am a highly trained Customer Special Needs
Representative for the MONOLITH corporation. YOU CALLED ME!!!! Burn in
HELL you dog faced son of canteloupe!!!
[Dave sprint's from his cube to the source of the voice. Here we find
Ingmar. His face is red, and his dustbroom mustache is askew. Dave
reaches in and mutes the phone.]
Dave: Ingmar! Cool off. What's wrong?
Ingmar: Now he's claiming to be the Project leader for LockhronMerton!!!
[Dave looks over at the phone. The display reads- Ultra Account.
Suddenly it changes to "Nice tech's you have here." And then changes
again to "Ingmar could be fucked." The display blinks several times,
and all of the lights on the phone blink rapidly. "You owe me."
appears on the display, and then changes to display only the word EXIT.]
Ingmar: HE HUNG UP!!!! I'm going to call him back.
Dave: Er...no Ingmar, let it go, I'll call him, just um...go for a walk.
[Ingmar stares at Dave as though HE is crazy. Dave bobs up and to the
side to see his cube. A booted foot is stretched out from it into the
aisle.]
Dave: I have to go call him back.
[Dave rushes over to his cube to find Bruce holding a twisted metal
slinky]
Dave: What's THAT?
Bruce: This is what it all means...I almost killed a guy once becuase
of it...anyway, want to go to lunch?
Dave: No I have to-
Bruce: Already taken care of, there's no record of the call. Never
happened, and the Ultra customer is talking to a friend of mine right
now, he'll be all set.
[Dave just stares at Bruce. Bruce Stares back, and smiles.]
Bruce: First let's smoke. You really need to relax. Why did you ever
take this job anyway?
[Outside, beside the storm drain, and the pile of cigarrette butt's
which has tripled in size since our last visit]
Bruce: There are a few thing's I think you should know.
Dave: Like what.
Bruce: A few things that for some reason I feel compelled to tell you.
Diane has an IQ of 85,I saw her school records and she used to be a
cheerleader. My over the wall cube mate Greg has a fetish for
Cheerleader sneakers, he developed it when he hung around with this
nympho he always used to eat lunch with started telling him stories
about her High School days.
Dave: .... and?
Bruce: When I was in the CIA I killed the family of the creator of the
Disk Management Reader
Dave: Why are you telling me any of this?
Bruce: Not sure...just came over me, like I was compelled by something
just after our last coversation.
Dave: Weird
Bruce: Yeah
[Bruce and Dave look at the camera, with a look that says: see the
end of scene 2]
Bruce: Anyway, don't worry about Ingmar,
Dave: What did you do?
Bruce: Phone game...a girl that used to work here was an admin for them
somewhere, I learned some stuff. And I deleted the record from the
Database.
Dave: Like what else did you learn form her?
Bruce: Like that on an Aspect phone if you hit Line 1 it looks like
your making an outgoing call even if you never dial. And the other
stuff I made it do.
Dave: How would that be useful.
Bruce: To mess the stats up, and to go on breaks.
Dave: But you always go on breaks.
Bruce: Occaisionally the Big Brother watches the Queue monitor closely,
and then calls Jack two minutes later...poor Jack...he used to have a
full head of hair you know...
Dave: Before he worked here.?
Bruce: No he was balding when he got here, but he had to have a full
head of hair at some point.
Dave: So you make it look like something is going on when it isn't?
Bruce: Well, that's what they do isn't it?
Dave: Well...yeah.
Bruce: You're starting to get it.
Dave: I thought this would be a cool way to help people and get a
better job, this promotion is starting to be a nightmare.
Bruce: I'd never do your job.
Dave: I thought you did my job.
Bruce: I ACT like I do your job, and I'm the only one left alive here
that knows how to support my product, everyone else lost interest,
even the trainer. He died in here...they say his spirit haunts the
place...I'm inclined to believe them.
Dave: Why's that?
Bruce: Everybody get's really tired after lunch, and alot of people
feel like sitting in Janet's cube for half the day.
Dave: Janet?
Bruce: Another story. What's important here is now that you're a
leading tech for Basically GUI! you need to learn a few things, things
that other men may not understand.
Dave: Such as?
Bruce: Quality is an illusion, and so are statistics. Customer
satisfaction is subjective. They want an answer, we want them to be
happy about their answer...causes problems. Not everyone can be happy
with their answer. Monolith changes what they want, and management
responds in the most appropriate way they can. They screw with our
lives. Were just about to learn something, to get a team stable, and
then the rules change, or a bunch of people quit, or they kill my
Leading Tech.
Dave: The guy that haunts this place?
Bruce: How many people do you know that choke on a pistachio?
Dave: None.
Bruce: My point exactly, illusions, reality. It's what you make of it.
This is a building full of alot of people that truly represent
customer special needs, and then there are the rest of us, who have
learned to avoid the Shiny Thing.
[Pan down to pile of cigarettes. It has doubled in size.]
Dave: Let's go get lunch.
[Men enter building. Cut to lunch table.]
Dave: So you're telling me that all of this is just some kind of
bizarre ad for the Monolith Corp, and we aren't really supposed to
help anyone?
Bruce: Well yes...and no, but mostly yes. it will make sense
eventually. You will probably understand it soon enough.
Dave: Why me?
Bruce: Becuase you truly want to do your job, you try like hell to
follow guidelines you know are inane. From the very beginning. And
from the very beginning, you have ignored the Shiny Thing.
Dave: What the hell is this 'Shiny Thing'??
[Dave stabs at his salad angrily]
Bruce: The smoke and the mirror, the minimal distraction. The pizza,
the ice cream sandwich, popcorn on Fridays. Being allowed to wear
jeans when we do well, but only in the winter, becuase we can wear
jeans all summer. And well now all the time. The thing that distracts
us from ever learning what our real goal is. Are we customer service,
or customer support? Do we help people, or placate them?
Dave: What do you do?
[Bruce strokes his goatee]
Bruce: I help the ones that can be helped, the rest of them have the
last two digits of their phone number's transposed so they never get
surveyed. And I avoid the Shiny Thing, becuase once you believe in
it's promise, you're doomed.
Dave: Well this, um , 'Shiny thing', who creates it, whatever form it
takes.
[Bruce laughs loudly]
Bruce: The management collective.
Dave: You make it sound like some disembodied ideal with a mind of its
own, that isn't held to any standard of reality.
Bruce: Wow! You do learn fast.
Dave: Well if they create it, who implements it?
Bruce: The prince of lies
Dave: Satan?
Bruce: Don't be ridiculous, if there is a Satan he has more important
things to do- the Coding Cluster manager.
Dave: So the Shiny Thing is what this collective thinks people should
want to hear?
Bruce: They don't really care, but it's along those lines.
Dave: This sounds really vague. How do you win? If the rules always
change, and something new is demanded of you, and there are these
shiny things all over the place.
Bruce: Good question, there's a building meeting tomorrow to discuss
"Winning Situations in the face of Adversity"
Dave: Sounds like an outplacement workshop.
Bruce: Could be, but it will be a really shiny meeting.
Dave: I feel like everytime I'm about to make a goal these days, the
in-zone gets moved.
Bruce: In Europe football is soccer. Pretend you're in Europe.
[The two men rise to return to their cubes. The camera follows them
down the hallway]
Dave: By the way, why did you rush into the building earlier this
morning.
Bruce: I think Impersonnel created a rule against it this afternoon,
wait for tomorrows meeting.
Dave: So I get to see this Shiny Thing guy tomorrow?
Bruce: Follow the smoke trail to his butt, you'll know who it is.
Dave: I hope that's a metaphor.
Bruce: I try to only speak in metaphors, it's harder to coach me that
way.
[Bruce and Dave part at the end of the hallway going in separate
directions, camera pans wide to read the poster on the wall]
Meeting: Oppenheimer Room 9 AM
Incentives for Career Advancement in the Computer Field
Maintaining Flexibility in a Dynamically Changing Scenario
Monolith Guidelines for Similar Product training.
Resume Writing
Sundae party planning.