SCENE 4
[The sky is the grayish blue of early morning. Two cars sit in the
parking lot side by side. Bruce and Greg stand in front of Bruce's
car, a metallic blue Dodge Dart, drinking coffee from Adama's drive
through. The hood of the car is covered by a large unfolded piece of
paper, which resembles a map. Camera view between the two men on the
paper. It appears to be a giant organizational chart of Monolith Corp,
and all of it's Tech Support Outsourcer's. Bruce looks at his watch.
The time is 6:30. He is well shaven, with a cleanly trimmed goatee.
Greg has a goatee as well, vaguely resembles Captain Morgan. They
both look well rested, with no trace of a hang over]
Bruce: I would say it's probably only going to take another 6 months.
With Dave's help maybe less.
Greg: You think he'll go for it?
Bruce: I think so, it will take some time, I have a feeling he's
occupied with his career right now.
Greg: How many do you think we'll be able to save?
Bruce: 20 at the most, maybe less, once we have Dave that makes 14,
which makes the necessary 1.4%
Greg: Did you make that 1.4% thing up?
Bruce: Yeah, but he's all we need, when he's fully trained they'll
abandon the area to avoid exposure. And then we move on.
Greg: I could use the vacation, I have a hammock and a pile of books
with my name on it.
Bruce: I think I might go away myself…by the way did Jeeter send you
the Bunny?
Greg: Uh…yeah.
[Greg goes to the back of his Bronco and opens the hatch. He removes
a small cardboard shipping package. Camera focuses on shipping label.
Marked to Gregory Donovan. There is no name on the From line, only a
Street Address in Salem MA. Greg holds the small box out with both
hands with an uncomfortable look on his face. Bruce takes the box]
Bruce: It's not going to bite you. Strong mojo.
Greg: The damn box is COLD.
Bruce: It will cut down on all of the problems Tony is still causing.
Greg: Is it really a bunny?
Bruce: No, it's a Pez Dispenser in the shape of a Rabbits Head, with a
medallion from a bottle of Thomas Hardy Ale.
[Bruce opens the box. Inside wrapped in a black velvet cloth is a Pez
dispenser with a neon green base and a bright yellow head, the eyes
are wide and painted white, with intense black dots for eyes]
Greg: What exactly is this thing going to do?
Bruce:Contain Tony so he stops screwing up all of MOFO-XPRO's coding
projects. I might actually stop getting X-Files calls for Version
Vault, when we avenge his killer's his spirit will be free, until
then, he really needs to relax.
Greg: Maybe if you stop comparing him to the Chia head?
Bruce: No that's too much fun.
Greg: Well, I told all of the others and they're ready for the
meeting, are you going to see Dave before hand?
Bruce: I'll take care of it, I have to get some work done. I am
without a doubt one hundred percent positive that there are at least
two dozen cases to be cleared out of the Internet Receptacle this
morning.
Greg: Tony keeps putting all the over night guys to sleep.
[Camera zoom on Evil Bunny.]
Bruce's voice:At least it's from beyond the grave, he used to do it to
us in training.
[The two men sip from their coffee and pitch their cigarettes towards
the street, they land next to the storm drain. The two still smoking
butts lie alone, smoldering on the asphalt]
[Dave walking down the aisle. His goatee is becoming more defined,
and instead of a dress shirt, he now wears dockers, with a black
t-shirt, and a flannel over it. The clock on the wall reads 8:50. He
approaches the coffee machine. It's wide digital display glows blue.
As Dave starts to press the button, the display turns red, and flashes
"OUT OF ORDER". He moves his finger away from the machine, and the
display turns blue again to read "Make your selection" he moves his
finger closer to it, and it changes red again displaying "OUT OF ORDER"
Dave: Give me my coffee!
[The machine blinks a red "OUT OF ORDER" at him angrily]
Dave: The hell with you then.
[Dave walks further down the aisle, the Coke machine at the end, he
hears a group of people filling their coffee mugs from the machine. He
reaches the Coke Machine and digs into his pocket for change. A hand
grips his wrist as he starts to deposit the coin. Bruce hands him a
styrofoam cup of coffee.]
Bruce: Here. A piece of advice…don't EVER drink the soda from this
machine, or any other in the building.
Dave: Why?
Bruce: It contains a mind altering drug which will slowly erode your
ability to relate to other human beings. It also lowers your
metabolism, you'll gain 5 pounds a week, becoming completely lethargic.
Dave: Are you serious?
Bruce: Completely…the Diet Coke has a hallucinogenic effect
though…makes people think that junk food has less calories.
Dave: Are you trying to tell me the Coca Cola corporation in trying to
brainwash America?
Bruce: That would be crazy…they're only responsible for the
hallucinogen in Diet Coke. Monolith puts the other stuff in there.
Dave: Really?
Bruce: Take a good look around, decide for yourself. By the way, start
bringing coffee to work.
Dave: The machine was really weird this morning.
Bruce: It's seen me talking to you, it's told all of the other
machines by now. Pack a thermos, or just drink tea.
[A steady flow of people is now heading down the large main corridor.
An overhead sign points to the Oppenheimer, Teller, Fermi, and
Moriarti Rooms. The crowd is following the line towards the
Oppenheimer Room. Bruce and Dave start to walk with the crowd. Many of
them look dazed, a large portion simply look angry. Anyone that
appears alert is either wearing a goatee, or in the case of the women,
hiking boots.]
Dave: hey, you left that Slinky thing I my cube. What the hell is it
anyway?
Bruce: A mangled metal slinky.
Dave:What is it REALLY?
[Bruce smiles]
Bruce:You are coming along quickly, it's a piece of artwork created by
one of the smartest guy's I've met. He used to work here. One day, a
long long time ago, he was on a call and lost it. Started jumping up
and down on the thing. Turned bright red. He sat across from me. I
picked it up, put it on the wall of my cube, and named it- Frustration.
Dave: That makes sense.
Bruce: It will make more sense eventually, when you start to see
what's really going on.
Dave: I thought you said you almost killed someone because of it?
Bruce: Oh…I would have, but the guy served my purposes.
[They come to the door of the room, which is actually a small
auditorium, Bruce guides Dave to the back, where 12 other employees
stand. There are only two women among the group. All of the men have
goatees. They all wear jeans, and most have concert t-shirt-s on]
[Enter Mr. Shiny Thing, he is dressed in cream colored slacks, and a
bright yellow golf shirt, his dark black hair is slicked back, and he
has an oversized black onyx pinky ring on his left hand.]
Greg: I think I saw his hair move.
Bruce: His hair never moves.
Greg: No really it did, as one piece but it moved.
[Mr. Shiny Thing moves among the people at the front of the crowd,
shaking everyones hand and smiling. His teeth are bright white, and
catch the light of the sun from a nearby window]
MrS.T.: Could everyone get comfortable? Just so everyone knows, there
are free donuts, chips, soda, and sandwiches at the back of the room
for after the meeting, and half way through the meeting we will be
having a drawing for the door prize.
Bruce: Cool, maybe they took all of the terminated employees off the
list this time.
Greg: I hope so, they drew Tony's name last time.
Bruce: I know, it was the Chia head remember? [to Dave] Watch carefully.
Mr.S.T: Well, let's get this started, I know how you all like
meetings.
[Laugh from crowd]
We're going to go over a few things, first off, quality. Quality has
remained constant, yet we need to improve, because the statistics have
yet to meet the new goals. You've all worked really hard, but we we're
punished last quarter, so let's take those call's and answer those
problems. I mean everyone, the customer calls, the phone goes 'ring
ring' and you talk to them, how hard can it be to make them happy?
You're all better trained than they are right?
Dave: I have to print all of his files for him, he can't print to the
network…..
Mr.S.T.: SO, there's a name for our Quality Initiative and it's-
Bruce, Greg, and the other 11-quietly: Batman
Mr:S.T: Focus on the Phone, A strategy for better tech support.
Woman in Bruce's group: we all work on the phone.
Bruce:Shhhhhh, you might give him ideas.
[Greg starts clapping, the rest of the group at the back follows
suit, and soon the room erupts in applause]
Greg: Lambs…like that Twilight Zone episode with the alien cookbook.
Mr.S.T.: And to start off this new initiative everyone to complete an
4 Amazingly Satisfied Survey's by the end of the month will receive a
Coding Cluster T-Shirt!
[The crowd is silent. They stare blankly at Mr. Shiny Thing]
MrST: To continue, we will be upgrading the machines in each of your
groups, providing extra training, and on Friday, we will have a Sundae
party!!
Dave: How are t-shirt's and ice cream going to improve quality?
MrS.T.: Furthermore, I would just like to say that using the phone is
the most important part of your job, use it well, and it will use you
well.
[Mr Shiny Thing smiles brightly]
MrS.T: And now for question and answer period.
[Bruce hands Dave a pair of sunglasses, as the other 13 at the back
of the room put theirs on.]
Bruce: Put these on, he's going to get really really shiny. By the
way, next meeting, wear boots okay?
MrST: yes , in the second row.
Employee: Is the company going to do anything about attrition?
MrST: As I've already said, we will be introducing more training.
MrST:You.
Employee 2: Are the yearly performance reviews going to be conducted
soon, so I can get my raise, I've been waiting for 4 months, by the
time I get my next review, it will be my next years review, and if I'm
promoted, then my next review after that will be delayed a year, then
you'll combine the whole package, and I'll lose a good 5% off of my
base.
MrST:What's your name?
Employee: Sam Vanagon
MrST: Talk to me after the meeting and I'm sure we can address this
oversight on our part, that's OUR fault, and we will address it
immediately!
MrST: Anyone else? Who has questions on the quality initiative?
Maxwell: Um…um…I….when are we going to get trained, I mean with all of
the air pollution, and the millenium, when are we going to see this
training, and...will it it happen when they aren't listening to us,
that is.….will it be during time we should be on the phone?? And will
it be taken away from us
[Maxwell smacks the back of his neck with one
hand, and directly adresses his questions to the other hand which he
holds open]
when there are too many phone calls.
[MrST smiles widely, and holds his smile for a few moments]
MrST: Of course not…we are a technical support service provider, not
simply a call center, and your training is important to both your
retention, your advancement, and the overall quality and volume of
calls you can take.
Bruce: Watch Maxwell carefully Dave, he's a corporate spy for
CiderSoft, the man is a master.
[Mr Shiny Thing smiles]
MrST: And now I have a bit of news for you all, anyone interested in
participating in the resume writing workshop we're offering for all of
our voluntarily displaced employees from the Monolith Ultimate
Secretary series of software will be taken advantage of-
Greg: Freudian slip.
Bruce: He really needs to wear longer slacks.
MrST: feel free to sign up with your manager, this displacement will
in no way effect the Coding Cluster.
MrST: And now Steve, the Basically GUI manager, will draw for the prize.
[Enter Steve with a large cardboard box. He looks around at the crowd
and grins wanly. Steve is young, and well dressed. His glasses are
clean unlike many of the others the employees wear. He looks tired. He
looks like a man who has already sent out resumes. He looks like
someone who graduated from a midsized State College in Western MA,
well…you get the idea]
Steve: I'd like to call Dave Santello to the front of the room?
Bruce: Beware of managers bearing gifts.
[Dave walks to the front of the room]
Steve: Dave, you've won the door prize, and I'd like to announce
you've won an entire case of NEW Caffeine Free, Sugar Free, Tastes
Just like Regular Coke Coke.
Bruce: Greg, we need to move up the time table, I have NO idea what's
in that stuff, but I bet it takes less than teaspoon to render a
labrat brain dead.
Greg: Should I pass it out to the Monolith Overlook group…noone will
notice.
Bruce: Better one of the groups that supports PC's….it may have
schizoprenic side effects,better cover. They'll think we've been
drinking it anyway.
[Dave walks to the back of the room with his case of soda, and looks
at Bruce]
Greg; I'll take that, I'll see you guys later.
MrST: And that concludes our meeting.
[The crowd rises quickly and swarms around the food table]
Employee: These green frosted donuts are the best, I thought the café
only had these on Wednesday.
Dave: I don't get it….
Bruce: Get what…
Dave:Let's go get a smoke.
[Bruce and Dave standing by the storm drain, the pile of cigarrettes
is now 3 feet wide and a foot tall]
Dave: He said nothing.
Bruce:Yes.
Dave: And then he passed a bunch of junk out, and gave me a case of
soda which would probably cause schizophrenia in even a PC tech, and
addressed none of the stuff on the agenda, he even contradicted
himself while he said things.
Bruce: well, we will get new machines, he lied to Monolith and told
them we already had them, theyre visiting next week.
Dave:Oh…but it was pretty much BS….this doesn't bother you, after that
conversation you had with me yesterday?
Bruce: oh it bothers me, I just stopped taking it personally, the
reason you need Mr Shiny Thing in the first place is to be the
spokesman for our company to the employees, for Monolith, who give us
conflicting standards, of course the company tries to squeeze every
last dime out of them, doing things like trying to take more calls in
periods when we can abandon call volume like when a new version comes
out, but in the end, he role is to distract us from the fact that none
of it makes sense….it works on most people too.
Dave: So what does bother you?
Bruce: The only thing that has really bothered me lately is I couldn't
get into my favourite bar because it was Valentines Day.
Dave: Well, why bother to see the truth at all?
Bruce: When enough people see the truth of the contradiction, it will
stop.
[There is a commotion at the door. Sam Vanagon is being dragged
bodily by two security guards, he yells incoherently about his review,
they toss a copy of Playboy at him, and then slam the door]
Bruce: Of course it must be done quietly.
Dave: I never noticed any of this. I just sat in my cube and did my
job, had a life, then I got this promotion, I don't think I would have
ever noticed.
Bruce: Of course then you started smoking again, the only group
interaction in the building. That and the nicotine supresses the
chemicals they run through the vent system.
Dave: Really?
Bruce:No, but if they don't clean those vents out the Legionairres
will have competition for the number of diseases named after them.
Dave: So the rest of my employment isn't about confronting some evil
force, but a journey of self discovery, pointing out the
inconsistencies of the work place?
Bruce: Jesus NO! This story would go on forever. Don't make yourself
out to be some kind of Dilbert.
There is a plan. A goal. And most of all-
[Bruce snaps his head up and looks through the same window he did in
scene 2, he rushes forward, and yells over his shoulder]
Bruce: I'll talk to you later.