Scene 7
[Bruce stands outside his cube. The Evil Bunny's eyes glow red, and
Dan, the stupidest manager ever to have a team now speaks through it,
from his unrecognized prison of death inside the walls of the company,
like that episode of the Twilight Zone, where Jack Klugman makes
everone stay in his own hell on the spaceship, okay this isn't really
a script direction, but I have to draw thematic parallels somewhere.]
Bruce: Listen Dan, I need to take this call, like you said, I don't
want the response level to drop in my queue, so could we pick this up
later? I'd like to discuss implementing some of your call time control
ideas…
Dan: Excellent, I'll go draft some of my ideas.
[The eyes of the Evil Bunny fade. Bruce walks slowly into the cube,
and wipes some of the frost off of his monitor, and puts on his
headset over the wool cap. He pulls the scarf down a little more so he
can speak into his microphone. His finger hangs over the ANSWER button
on his phone]
Bruce: (screams) WHY did I say I would take a phone call????
[Bruce presses the answer button. Close up of his face]
Bruce: Thank you for calling monolith Version Vault Support….this is
Bruce and it's my intention to make sure you never call again. How can
I help you?
Customer: Ahhhhhh Bruce….it's been TOO long…when was the last time we
spoke together Bruce, was it in Cairo after that unfortunate accident
at the QuadTalk Modem Conference?
Bruce: Hello Joe…no it was in Mexico City 3 years ago…wait I remember
now…that's when I took out your left eye….it's all coming back to me
now you mercenary son of a bitch.
Joe: I have a problem Bruce, with Version Vault, and MOFO-XPRO…
[Bruce's eyes narrow]
Bruce: A problem and you called a support line…how original…wait a
minute…you didn't employ Monolith integration did you.
[Maniacal laughter on the other end of the phone]
Bruce: I knew you were unprincipled and diabolical, but that's insane.
Joe: Don't question my sanity Bruce, lest I call another unsuspecting
tech, and have them upload my case history.
Bruce: That mistake was made once…. And since 89 the Company watches
the Stock Market like a hawk to make sure you don't interfere again.
So what's the issue.
Joe: The two products have crashed my machines.
Bruce: Did you reboot yet?
Joe: No.
Bruce: Do it.
Joe: No.
Bruce: I need you type a line in at the DMS prompt.
Joe: Which is?
Bruce: Reboot and I'll tell you.
Joe: Is it DOMINATION at the C prompt by any chance?
Bruce: You bastard you're working for THEM!
Joe: They pay the highest price for my skills…. I won't be calling you
anymore Bruce, but you will hear my name…in Monolith Ultimate
Secretary, in the rows of Monolith NEWT, in the aisles of DMS support,
in Overlook, my name will ring in a tone of fear throughout your
facility!!!!
[Bruce presses his Mute/Truth button]
Bruce: But not in any real programming teams.
[Bruce untruth's his phone]
Bruce: Why Joe? I thought the Iraqi's were paying you to do fun stuff,
like test chemical weapons…
Joe: More money, and I was bored. This is about fear Bruce, causing
fear in all of Monolith's tech's. Fear causes uncertainty, it pushes
people toward obedience, a desire to be protected, to be complacent,
to reduce their stress with soda… I am simply the icing on the cake of
control…, the fruitcake of fascism, the donut of destruction. I am the
outside threat which the few tech's left with morale will cower from…
Bruce: You're an arrogant bastard who couldn't code his way out of a
paper bag…of course that's probably harder now with one eye- bye Joe.
[Bruce Ejects the call, camera pans to Bruce's POV, Greg stands
behind Drusilla, the IT Cube Cleanser. She is wearing a snowsuit and
bright pink mittens]
Bruce: High Dru…
Dru: I didn't mean to interrupt you're call.
Bruce: That's okay…. Listen I have a bit of a problem…
Dru: Bad vibes from the call?
Greg: Uh no…
Dru: Bad karma following you?
Bruce: nooooooo
Dru: You need incense to smudge your cube against calls from Joe
Grave's?
Bruce: No I can handle him.
Dru: Then what is it?
Bruce: The misguided spirit of the recently killed manger Dan-
Dru: ( to Greg)The really stupid one?
Greg: yeah.
Bruce: is taking posession of my Evil Bunny Pez dispenser, I got it
from some of my friends in Salem so we could talk to Tony, who is kind
of haunting the building until we catch his killer, and now Dan is
taking control of it…he doesn't even know he's dead….and I sick of
wearing artic gear to take phone calls.
Dru: You don't take phone calls.
Bruce: Okay to sit here.
Dru: In review, you want my help to drive out the stupid, not evil,
spirit of a man who doesn't know he's dead from a Paranormal Pez
dispenser, that you got from Salem?
Bruce: Exactly….
Dru: Can't do it…you got the Pez dispenser from outside the building,
I can't support magic that IT didn't approve… do you have a property
form for that Pez dispenser?
Bruce: Um…SURE ….uh Dru…when I finally leave, do yourself a
favor….just have my cube burned okay, I don't think you'll want to
cleanse it.
Dru: Whatever….
[Drusilla walks off]
Greg: That was absolutely NO help whatsoever…
Bruce: We need to figure out a way to convince Dan to leave….
[Cut to Dave, standing outside Gate 54 at the International airport.
He holds a sign reading Donald GARRET, and holds the paper bag which
contains the Plain yogurt. A man walks stiffly toward him, in an
automatic kind of shuffle.]
Donald: I..am….Donald …. Garrett. Do … you… have … my … yogurt?
Dave: Uh,yeah….
[Dave holds out the bag, Donald moves slowly to take it, removes the
container of yogurt from the bag, takes the cover off, and sucks the
entire container down.]
Donald: Thank…. you. My…assistants….will…be here….shortly…
Dave: Sure.
[A group of three younger men, in their early twenties come through
the gate. They all wear monolith T-shirts, and the same kind of khaki
pants. They approach Donald, and nod politely to Dave]
Dave: Hi guys…are you the Coding Cluster liasons?
Three men: Yes.
Dave: Great….let's go….
[Dave turns and shakes his head. Close up of Dave.]
Dave: This is becoming way too surreal.
[Cut to Bruce and Greg standing next to the pile of cigarettes, which
now stands as high a s Bruce's hip. Neither of them seem to notice]
Bruce: We need to get Dan out of the Bunny…it's bad enough that Tony
has to do coding samples now that he's dead…
Greg: Maybe he's making up for all the training doc's he never
finished while he was alive.
Bruce: Good point, anyway, VonMesmer said he'd meet us out here in a
few minutes.
Greg: Did you prep him on details?
Bruce: Yeah, I told him we had three- and that he needed to keep his
nights free.
Greg: Should I call AOL and tell them their users are safe this week?
[Bruce laughs.]
Bruce: Nahhh, hey have you seen Dave?
Greg: Went to the airport to get the Puppetmaster and his crew.
Bruce: And so it begins….
[The side entrance to the building opens, and Simon VonMesmer exits.
He's wearing black jeans, a black t-shirt, and a dungaree jacket. We
walks towards Bruce and Greg and lights up a cigarrette.]
Greg: I wonder if anyone notices we all smoke?
Bruce: I haven't told Dave that there IS a chemical agent in the
ventilation system yet…I didn't want him to question his reality.
Simon: Bruce.Greg. How's it going?
Bruce: It will be even better after this week.
Simon: Are you sure you guys want me to do this?
Bruce: Absolutely…the test run went perfectly…now we go all the way.
Simon: Listen, programming someone to throw a pie in Magnus Reece's
face is one thing, even getting them to fly over seas to the press
conference in Belgium was easy…but getting them to kill him is
another story. And even if they do it…what's to say he dies?
Bruce: You aren't bringing up the deal with the devil thing again are
you?
Simon: I don't believe in the Christian concept of Satan, it's just
something to think about… by the way I heard you called Dru for a cube
cleansing…you don't buy that bullshit do you?
Bruce: Never thought about it, Dan had a crush on her, but Dru always
thought he was stupid.
Simon:He was stupid, now we're sure he was stupid. He doesn't even
know he's dead. Listen, I have to run a three card Monty game on
Wednesday, so that's no good… when do you want to do this?
[Mark the IngressDatabase tech lead joins the group. He stands 6 and
half feet tall, and has a 3 foot long ponytail. He looks like a cross
between Indiana Jones, and Grizzly Adams.]
Bruce: hey Mark, (to Simon) tonight? get it done early in the
week…where though?
Simon: My van has all my mind altering equipment…we can park it
somewhere, but not here…
Mark: Why not a rest area, no one will notice, there's one 3 miles
down the highway.
Bruce: That's a good idea.
Mark:You're welcome, and Greg, I finished doctoring those photo's for
the next release of the Inquirier on the Area 51 thing…
Greg: And the stuff for the company newsletter?
Mark: Working on it, it was one of my harder requests, it's kind of
hard to find pictures of KathyLee on the web that haven't already been
doctored- I gotta go in…I'll take care of it by Friday.
Greg: Thanks, we'll see you later at the party.
[Mark trods back into the building]
Simon: Okay then, I'll bring my van tonight.
[Simon hands Greg a small vial.]
Simon: Put this in their drinks okay? Makes prep a little easier.
Bruce: Good enough.
[Simon walks back towards the building, and absently flicks his
finished cigarette into the pile without looking]
Greg: Are we bringing them to the house tonight?
Bruce: No. The last time we got the guys from Monolith drunk one of
them vomited on the pool table…were going to Orangeman's, it's a
combination going away party, welcoming party for Monolith. By the
way, you need to go get the check from Diane for the expenses…
Greg: Oh… do I have to?
[Greg smiles.]
Bruce: I thought you'd be distraught over the prospect.
[Cut to the office of Magnus Reece, overlord of Monolith, agent of
dark…er big business. The walls of his office are large TV screens, a
stream of different TV networks, closed circuit TV's, and Tony Robbins
infomercials]
Magnus: Mr. Chapstick?
Mr.Chapstick: What is they bidding my master?
Magnus: This Ministry of Justice Business…release a memo…something
which declares our lack of regard for the Federal Government. Praise
our technical people, and our representatives. Predict our triumph.
One more thing Chapstick…include the following- "Rhetoric does not win
legal cases, facts do."
Mr.Chapstick: Might someone mention Clarence Darrow master?
Magnus: Don't be ridiculous Chapstick, the majority of our people are
technical, and most people in America think John Quincy Adams was a
medical examiner on television. The rest would only recognize a
current event if it was their own heart attack. Regardless, declare a
truimph, I will deal with the MOJ shorttly.
Mr.Chapstick: The memo will be released after lunch master.
Magnus: Chapstick, I heard a rumor that Bruce Casey is working for one
of our support units, is this true?
Mr.Chapstick: Not that I know of master.
Magnus: My source must be mistaken.
[Tony Robbins looms on all four walls…watching.]
[Cut to Dave. He sits around a conference table with Steve, Donald
Garret- the Puppetmaster, Huey, Dewey, Looie- his assitants, Dirk- Mr
Shinything, and Patty O'Furniture- the Clueless Queen of Navy Blue
Blazer Management, and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern- Patty's
assistants. Close up on Dave's face. No audio, his glasses turn clear
and then dark depending on who is speaking. He takes them off and rubs
his eyes. Slow fade in of audio.]
Patty: Donald I would like to welcome you to the site.
[Rosencrantz and Guildenstern lean over from either side and whisper
into Patty's ears]
Patty: And we would like you to take advantage of the monitoring cube
we have set up.
[Rosencrantz and Guildenstern lean over from either side and whisper
into Patty's ears]
Patty: And we have accommodations for your assistants in each of their
respective groups. We also have a copy of our current publication and
the results from our photo contest from the visit last time. Our
quality figures have improved a great deal, and we hope to continue
providing quality support as a subcontractor to Monolith.
[Rosencrantz and Guildenstern lean over from either side and whisper
into Patty's ears]
Patty: And Donald, we would also like to make a gift of this…yogurt to
you.
Donald: Thank…you.
[Rosencrantz and Guildenstern lean over from either side and whisper
into Patty's ears]
Patty: You're welcome.
Dirk: We also have some company memoribilia for you!
[Dirk hands them each a coffee mug with the company logo…of course
the company has no name as of yet, and no logo…maybe one of the
readers should send some mail to marquis_de_satire@yahoo.com and make
some suggestions….]
Donald: We …have…some…money saving…suggestions…, removing the
hot chocolate machines…worked so well…we thought we …would expand….cost
saving measures.
Dave: Such as?
[Everyone else at the table turns to look at Dave]
Donald: The cafeteria…food is not…essential.
[Rosencrantz and Guildenstern lean over from either side and whisper
into Patty's ears]
Patty: The cafeteria has already been removed Donald…er, at least none
of the management can find it….apparently is has been relocated for
space….
[Dave smirks. Zoom on Dave's glasses changing tint. Fade to Bruce's
Batman clock. The time is 5:59, zoom out, Bruce- in an artic lifesuit
now, talks to Dan through the Evil Bunny]
Bruce: That was a rousing meeting Dan, tomorrow could you have Tony's
speak to me about his training materials?
Dan: Sure.
Bruce: Great, you sure you don't want to come out with us tonight?
Dan: No, too much work to do, thanks.
[Cut to parking lot, Bruce, Greg, Dave, and Simon stand around in
front of Bruce's Dodge Dart smoking.]
Bruce: Everyone clear?
[The group nods.]
Bruce: Okay, and remember, we need to get them ONE at a time, they
need to be separated. Oh, by the way, were having a real party at the
house on Friday, a little break from truth seeking, problem solving,
and fighting world domination.
Greg: About time.
Simon: I'll bring my magic set.
Dave: What about your bong?
Simon: That's what I was talking about.
Bruce: Okay then, I'll see you all at Orangeman's.
[The group splits apart, Greg remains behind. Bruce gets into his car
and rolls down the window]
Greg: Um, I'm going to have to cut out a little early…
[Greg hands Bruce an envelope marked Human Assetts Petty Cash
,Bruce's eyes narrow slightly and he smirks]
Bruce: As long as you get my files along with Diane's cheerleading
sneakers, no problem…if you ever went to therapy I would get nothing
from Human Assets…are you making a mobile out the damn things?
Greg: Of course not.
[Cut to what is apparently Greg's room, a mobile of cheerleading
sneakers, and Polaroids hang from the ceiling. Cut back.]
Bruce: By the way, remember after tonight we have a big week…3
meetings, a demonstration for Monolith, the hot chocolate problem,
getting rid of Dan ,and um………
Greg: They're sending Vivienne aren't they?
Bruce: Yeah…I haven't seen her since London.
Greg: Is she taking command?
Bruce: God I hope not…she's here to take care of Mr. Shinything…so
they say.
[Greg slaps the top of the Dodge and smiles broadly.]
Greg: See you there.
[Greg walks away]
Bruce: And they wonder why I drink so much…